Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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