yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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