Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
