The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
