I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
