While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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