the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
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