got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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