if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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