Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
