gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
