So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
