Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I want her autograph on my taint
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize