dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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