the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
