A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
