NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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