So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
