THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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