It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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