Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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