Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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