I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
