Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
