He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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