I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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