while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
