you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
