he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
