i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
