I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
