I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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