I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
