I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
