I just pynch a tree in the face
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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