he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
