my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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