I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
