last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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