you're like a bully in the Christmas story
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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