she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
