fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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