Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
