i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
