Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
