I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
