i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
