Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
