He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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