It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Help. Why am I so naked?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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