1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
