its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
