An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
