i wish there were pregnant emoticons
accomplished twins. life is a go
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
