There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
