dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
