everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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