i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
