my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I could make wine with my vomit
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
