Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
