my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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