My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
