i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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