Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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