There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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